A Pause

So, I realize I have made promises of Kateastrophes and Flashbacks, but unfortunately, this week has been a little insane and I have been unable to deliver thus far.

Please accept my most humble apologies.

Tonight I am flying to Utah for a well needed trip to the ‘hood and to see my gals, Brillig, Jewels and the soon to pop out a baby Hannah, as well as my most loved Mother, sister Tofutti and SHIRLEY! THE GRANDMA OF ALL GRANDMA’S! And I’m there until TUESDAY! FOUR WHOLE DAYS?!?! Wooo hoooo!

If you can’t tell, I’m excited . . . and I have a full schedule.

I will try to post while I’m there, because I know all five of my loyal readers that are not included in that list up there will miss me so . . . but I’m not making any promises.

So in a little less than seven hours . . . let the vacation begin!!

Kate = Stupid

Sorry to any of you coming to see the A-listed post. I realized this morning that I posted my ADDRESS for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE.

I am an idiot.

There Are No Words

Who needs alcohol when you’ve got Jewels, trashy tween stores, and me?!

Interrogations

I challenged Stacy of Jurgen Nation to come up with five interview questions for me. I thought it would be easy to answer them in a few minutes . . . but as she is the queen, she gave me some DOOSIES and it’s taken days to feel like I had any decent answers, and question 5 still isn’t complete! But I had to do SOMETHING with them! So here they are in all their glory!

1. You have an IMPECCABLY decorated house. It’s one of the nicest I’ve ever seen. But, uh-oh. You’ve just been sent to jail (for being so damned adorable). Decorate your jail cell and explain in detail. Assume you can do almost anything you want, but you cannot add space or change the layout in any way.

I’ve thought a lot about this. More than I really should have. Decorating a cell is serious stuff! It can make or break the relationship you might have with fellow prisoners! I’m going to assume, for the sake of my decorating, that I have a cell to myself.

You’ve got to work with all the iron . . . right? I mean you’re practically surrounded by it. So I’m thinking this . . . votive candles suspended between the bars. Candles make anything look elegant right?

I will definitely paint the walls. I am a sucker for color. Most likely two colors, as I’m also a sucker for accent walls. And cells are notoriously dark, so I’m trying to brighten it up. I will stick with my bedroom colors . . . Ralph Lauren Evocative Sunlight on the two side walls with Behr Heathered Laurel on the back wall.

As for accessories, I love wall art . . . to add culture and art to my cell I would like to have antiqued pictures of Michaelangelo marble statues or possibly Da Vinci cartoons (or such things). The pictures will be in varying sizes, arranged randomly on the walls in black frames and ivory mats. And plants. I have to have green plants. I am notorious for killing delicate plants, so it would have to be something like Ivy, so that I don’t kill it right away. You have to have pictures of family and friends of course, in cute little frames on cute little side tables I’ll bring in, which, since I have no budgetary limitations and I want to give it to the government (hehehe) will be from Z Gallerie. Because I said so.

I realize that nice sheets are a luxury not usually found in jail, but since I can do anything I want, I want sateen 1000 thread count sheets and soft pillows. And lots of pillows — decorative and functional. In shades of ivory and green, to match my wall colors. There would also be, of course, a gorgeous duvet to top it all off. Maybe I’ll even take mine from home, I love it that much.

I’ll need a leather reading chair . . . the big comfy kind, with an ottoman to rest my feet on (wow apparently I have a large cell.) and it will have a soft angora throw and a rubbed bronze reading light.

It’s jail, I realize . . . but at least it will be homey!!!

2. You love Mr. Kateastrophe. He’s fantastic, no? (His name is Matt – I have a Matt and he is also fantastic.) You come home one day, however, to find him waiting for you in the parlour (for we all have parlours) in his purple velveteen smoking jacket. He is sipping brandy. “Kate,” he says urgently, “we need to talk.” He then proceeds to tell you that he quit his job today to pursue his dream – his dream of becoming a Lil’ John impersonator. He shows you his new shiny silver grill. Explain your reaction and then, in painstaking detail, argue FOR him pursuing this dream, giving reasons why he should pursue this with every molecule in his body.

I am dumbfounded, for just a few seconds. I knew this day would come . . . they day that my shy, quite, introverted husband busted out of his shell and did something crazy. I warned him it was going to happen, and he swore it never would. Did I expect THIS? Not really. I expected more of a blow up of astronomical proportions in which he shouts out all of my flaws and faults that he’s never discussed. A new grill . . . that I never expected. However . . . this could be interesting! And . . . FUN!

“Matt, go for it.” I say with fervor. “You have always done what you thought was responsible and what was the right, conservative, unobtrusive thing to do. Go be dramatic! Go pursue this! We see commercials for impersonators at the casinos all the time. There’s a market for this! (I’m standing on the coffee table now) Who doesn’t want to see a geeky white-boy accountant with no rhythm go out there and rap!? And you can dance to it!! You got into that hip-hop stuff last summer while we were addicted to ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’ (Now I’m jumping with joy) I’ve seen your moves! I know you’ve got it in you! I spent four years in college training to be a Broadway star and look where I am now! I got my chance to go for something crazy . . . GO FOR IT!”

I flop down on the couch, exhausted and excited all at the same time. I can’t wait until his friends see THIS. Whether or not I really want him to do this, the thought of my easily embarrassed husband rapping and dancing and grabbing his crotch as Lil’ John will be worth every penny he loses.

3. What drink would you prepare for yourself immediately after this conversation?

Sadly, the drink I always prepare. Diet Coke with Lime. Though this MIGHT be the time for Matt to start drinking to pull his dream off. . . I’ll go buy some scotch, just in case.

4. Describe your dream cupcake, down to each sprinkle and the color frosting (or no frosting, it’s your damned cupcake).

How did you know I dream of cupcakes?!?!? I love them more than anything.

It’s a devil’s food chocolate cupcake. With chocolate chips baked in. And it’s topped with about four inches of thick, pink frosting, in a swirl like an ice cream cone. And it has one of those . . . sugar sculpture thingies . . . in the shape of a pink high heeled shoe. No sprinkles, just the frosting and the sugar. Mmmmmm sugar.

5. Oh, crap**. You win a radio show that gives you your own reality TV show. Describe a day in your life (exaggerated, as all reality television programming is).

First of all, I’d have to go back to being the Executive Assistant . . . because it’s better than a movie ’round here, folks. But I’m going to have to work hard on this one, and it’s going to be a novel of sorts, so check back later, as it’s going to take some serious time to complete. But I promise it will be good.

Hopefully I’ll have it by tomorrow!

**Stacy, pardon my editing — my Mom reads this blog!!

This is the House That Kate Built

Ok . . . Matt helped a little. OK, a LOT.

So folks, the day has come. I am putting my house on the market today. It’s bittersweet. I can’t wait for our new house to be done and to have ALL THAT CUPBOARD SPACE! But at the same time, we’ve put blood, sweat and tears into this house and we’ve made it ours and, in my opinion, we’ve made it beautiful. But, the time has come to try to introduce it to it’s new owners. Now if our neighbors can just ignore the ghetto neighborhood and find the INNER beauty.

And because I’m that vein and in need of reassurance, I present you darlings with (drumroll)

Pictures of my house! And it’s as clean as it’s ever gonna get, so look fast before the dust settles!

Um, don’t mind the dead grass! We live in Arizona where the grass don’t grow!! But PALM TREES!! We’ve got PALM TREES!!

Freshly painted front door accompanied by a loverly hydrangea wreath purchased much on sale. Because that’s how I roll yo.

Aaaaand I present . . . the inside view of the front door. Ooooh! Ahhhh!

Windows! We’ve got your windows! Clean windows!

The bathroom of exploding toilet fame

My beloved, blessed dining room. How I love thee.

Room with a view . . . and a sweet telephone!

The kitchen of the pain in my butt refinshed cabinets

The stairwell that no longer sports the grey/blue blinds

The bath o’the guests that the o’masters had to use for an o’long time

Le Study (aka Man Cave)

Man Cave, view dos. Complete with two monitors for your computing convenience.

Oh how I LOVE MY BED. And we got a new mattress this weekend so now it’s even TALLER!

Tall dresser, and yes, more corner windows.

Refinished master sink . . . and, wait for it . . . more hydrangeas. Seeing a pattern?

Matt and I decided the closet looked bigger with just my stuff, so now it’s MINE! ALL MINE!

I wanted to cry the first time we turned on this shower after the remodel. It was like . . . breathing air for the first time! We hadn’t had a working master shower since we moved in.

And finally, the back yard, complete with confused lemon trees. They have mature lemons, baby lemons, blossoms and buds. Wha??? But this yard is actually huge for Phoenix, so we’re going to miss it.

And that’s all she wrote, er, built. We are now officially selling the house, and it should be listed by tomorrow at the latest. I am thinking of offering a finders fee to anyone who finds a buyer for us, so . . . know anyone in Phoenix interested in living in the North Valley? She’s for sale! Good price for you, today only! Ok, for like, the next six months.

Kateastrophe of the Week: 2

Beat up by a soda can . . .

So, about five years ago, I was driving from my job on the south end of Utah Valley to meet up with Jewels for lunch. I’m listening to music, chillin‘ . . . you know, what you do on a beautiful spring day.

Between songs I hear an odd noise . . . pssssssssssssssssssssssss . . .

“Are my tires going flat?” I wonder? No . . . it’s coming from inside the car.

“What the crap is that??”

I start looking around madly, reaching blindly in the backseat to find the culprit.

Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss . . . it’s still going . . .

“Seriously!” I say out loud “WHAT IS THAT NOISE??”

I’m still reaching around in the garbage I keep in my back seat (I am not really known for keeping a clean car) and I find the culprit. A can of Diet Coke. Somehow it was punctured by one of the under-sear contraptions.

“AAAHHH” I scream as it sprays a fine mist of Diet Coke all over my face and upper body. I start panicking since I’m driving down the busiest road in my home town and it’s lunch time and there’s lots of traffic, and I can’t see because I’m being squirted in the eye.

I quickly turn it around to avoid blinding myself further.

Bad freaking idea.

Now it’s spraying my windshield, and I am, once again, unable to see.

Anyone watching this scenario unfold must have been laughing their butt off. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and myself and my entire car was being misted with cola.

Finally, thinking clearly for at least a second, I rolled down the window and held the can outside of the car so that it wasn’t obstructing my vision anymore. I’m sure anyone driving next to me didn’t appreciate it very much, but hey, I wasn’t being blasted anymore!

I found a side road and pulled over, allowing the carbonation and fizz to finally subside so that the can was no longer a pressurized, blinding bomb. It’s AMAZING how much carbonation is in one of those tiny cans! It “pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssted” for like ten minutes!

Finally, I got back in the car and sullenly drove to our chosen lunch location. Dejected, I got out of the car to face Julia, who had been waiting for me.

I didn’t even have to say anything. All she saw was my wet face and hair and my favorite pink shirt, now permanently stained with what looked like airbrushed liquid poo.

Que uncontrollable laughter.

To Think or Not To Think . . .

Well, well, well. I have been flattered once again and the illustrious Brillig nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award. This award was designed to honor blogs that make you think. So, um, apparently I make Brillig think “what the crap is up with THAT girl??”

I really am honored. Here’s what my nominator (heheh, sounds like Terminator) said about me:

“Kate is a funny girl who comes across as very poised, but is apparently a big ol’ clutz. She keeps a ticker on her blog telling you how many days it’s been since her last “Kateastrophe”–always hilarious. But there’s often more depth here than first meets the eye– she’ll have you in stitches one minute and in tears the next.”

So now I’m supposed to continue the honoring . . .

Here be the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to five blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the origin of the award.

3. Optional: Proudly display the “Thinking Blogger Award” on your blog if you were nominated.

So now I have to nominate five blogs that make me think . . . this is gonna be tricky, because obviously I wouldn’t read a blog if it didn’t make me think at least a little . . .

1. Jurgen Nation
Stacey goes from being side splitting hilarious (you cannot skip her “about me” section. I read it again and again and laugh every time) to bringing me to the brink of tears. Plus she’s an amazing photographer to boot!

2. The View From Here
I am loving his eloquent writing, his well thought out points and that . . . well, he’s a GUY in the blogging world. We need some more of those!

3. Girl, Dislocated
She doesn’t post very often, but when she does, you’re almost always guaranteed to laugh your butt off (or in her case a leg or arm) at her fun stories about life with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. (aka her appendages just randomly pop out of their sockets! Hours of fun!)

4. Diary of the Nello
Kelly, aka Nello, always has something interesting to say and I’m always entertained because she and I seem to share a lot of the same views and frustrations. I love reading through her archives. I could play there for hours.

5. Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper
Crystal is a newer blog friend, but I LOVE her blog. I want to be JUST LIKE HER when I grow up.

There are MANY more blogs I want to honor, but I was limited to five.

Phew! At least it wasn’t another Meme, right?!?!

Hahaha.

Flashback: Bad, Bad Santa Dance

First of all, allow me to say that this page was taken from my scrapbook. And I tried to be a real scrapbooker, but as you can see, that didn’t work out so much. I’m AWFUL at it.
Second of all . . . the picture. Sigh.

There I am in the middle on the back row in the GREEN SATIN DRESS WITH FLOWERS ON IT. And I did my own hair . . . if you look closely you can see that I missed a barrel curl there and it’s waving at you.

There are so many stories involved in this picture . . . where to start . . .

The couple on the bottom right. That is Don Osmond, Jr. Yes people, he is the spawn of Donny Osmond and he was in my group for Christmas Dance ala 1996. I actually knew him well, he dated one of my best friends and we used to hang out at his house. (Donny Osmond, for the record, is one of the world’s nicest guys, and a TOTAL cheese ball. But we all loved him. )

ANYWAY, back to the dance . . . Don’s date is Stacy, and for some reason he presented her with that lovely candy cane full of . . . M&Ms? And yes folks, she’s wearing a scarf. Loosly tied over her dress.

The back row there is what’s the most interesting part of this picture. The guy with the goofy smile on the far right is a future rapist (I’ll stop there) and left of me is my best friend Melinda. She’s doing a very good job of smiling through the pain because her date? TOTAL MORON.

You’ll need some background . . . on the planet I grew up in, date dances were much more than just the dance. We had to ask and answer each other in creative ways and we had day activities with our group. So let’s just say that if you didn’t like your date? You were in for a bad, bad day. With all of his or her friends. And it could possibly go on for 15 hours or so, because most people also planned something for AFTER the dance. Oh, and it was INCREDIBLY rude to say no. The first person who asked you was the person you went with. Those were the rules.

So to review, Melinda = not a fan of her date and she was stuck with him for many, many hours. My date and I (the jolly blonde) were very good buddies and we were just there having a good time.

Melinda was NOT HAPPY. That guy had been a total jackass ALL DAY LONG. We’d been there for each other through most of it, but dinner was a different story. My date had the money to go out for dinner. Melinda’s date did not . . . neither did most of the group. So we split up for dinner. I went out and the rest of the group went to some one’s house, where they had spaghetti and meatballs.

This was a bad idea for a myriad of reasons. First and foremost being that all the girls were dressed up and spaghetti is notoriously a MESSY MEAL. Secondly, Melinda did not eat red meat.

So, there she was, stuck in a room with a date she hated, her wing man enjoying a delicious fancy restaurant dinner, and she had meatballs in her food. And there was pretty much nothing else to eat but salad. So she ate salad. Then at some point, if I recall correctly, her dumb date dumped his plate of spaghetti in her lap.

Needless to say, by the time they showed up for the dance, she was more miserable than she’d been for most of the day. And that’s saying something.
So, back to the picture and how this all ties together . . . if you’ll notice there is a weird hand and arm configuration on the back row. At the request of Melinda, I brought up a FUN GAME! Let’s all hold hands with SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES OUR DATE! Then the picture will be FUNNY!!!

As you can see, my plan worked and the picture is HILARIOUS. But for very different reasons.

The best of those reasons being the butt part that my bangs have got going on. That’s hot.

Many Congratulations Are In Order

Today is a good day!

My illustrious Mamacita, aka Jan the Great, finished the Boston Marathon in 4:33:26! Her husband Gary let her beat him (a HUGE DEAL if you know this competitive man) and finished one second later. They braved the freezing cold rain, the wind in miserable (not all the time just right now) Boston and conquered! YAHOOO!!

In other awesome news, my bestest buddy Sara delivered a healthy baby girl on Friday! Lucy Jane was born Friday evening weighing 7lbs 6oz and is 19 inches long. Isn’t she precious?!?!?

I myself have no real news other than I ate a healthy lunch today. Pat on the back for me.